navi

Content on this page requires a newer version of Adobe Flash Player.

Get Adobe Flash player

Read Text Only: Pride Issue
Gay Bird Watching



Content

Every year, Pride provides all of us with a veritable menagerie of gays, of all shapes and shoe sizes. Onae cannot truly appreciate the cultural sparkle and luster the GLBT community without recognizing its most oft-viewed facets. So, in an effort to give a headstart to those newcomers who will approach pride with fresh, unassuming virgin...eyes, we present PRIDE FEATURE GAY BIRD WATCHING
By Brad Richards • Illustrated by Jeremy Joven

Nerd Bird
Latin Name: 1337 HACKZ0R

Favorite Habitat: The Nerdy Bird prefers to nest in front of a warm glowing LCD monitor in an ergonomic chair. Occasionally this bird will dress up as an obscure anime character and migrate to Wondercon.

Diet: The average Nerdy Bird can gather a week’s worth of Hot Pockets, microwavable taquitos, and Red Bull. This nourishment becomes important for its extended World of Warcraft raids, during which it rarely sees the light of day.

How to Identify: The manufacturers of cargo pants and cargo shorts are certainly in debt to the Nerdy Bird, as it will be likely spotted wearing exclusively cargo legwear. As this bird rarely shops, it often is spotted wearing the same shirt it wore in high school or a free giveaway at a convention.

Advantages in the Wild: Intelligent as well as educated, the Nerdy Bird often has more than its fair share of disposable income. However, this bird prefers to spend most of this money on upgrading its computer’s video card and Manga collection.

Natural Dangers/Predators: Due to prolonged periods of seclusion, the Nerdy Bird can easily become frightened by physical activity or the sun. It is also a likely prey for the Hairy Bird, who is easily attracted to an unkempt beard and lack of personal hygiene.




Twink Bird
Latin Name: Whatsa Condomicus

Favorite Habitat: Badlands, Dragon, and Trigger on any given Friday or Saturday night, surrounded by a gaggle of other Twink Birds.

Diet: The Twink Bird subsists mostly on cigarettes cranberry vodka’s, and come. Occasionally the Twink Bird will indulge itself by pecking on half a cookie or a candy bar, at which point it will squawk to all within earshot that it should be following its diet.

How to Identify: With its colorful V-neck shirts, pointy fauxhawk, and gait that could set fire to an entire city block, the Twink Bird is not hard to spot. This bird loves labels and wouldn’t be caught dead in a pitch-black club with an outfit costing less than $200.

Advantages in the Wild: Flexible and agile, the Twink Bird can easily fight its way to the top of any pecking order, especially if it’s a line for Kylie Minogue tickets. Its slim silhouette allows this bird to squeeze in and out of sticky situations, and it can really take a pounding.

Natural Dangers/Predators: The bright colors and D&G cologne of the Twink Bird can easily attract the attention of its elder, the Chickenhawk Bird, who can trap an unwitting Twink Bird in their web of Diesel shopping trips and unlimited free drinks.

Hairy Bird
Latin Name: Notta Lottadeodorant

Favorite Habitat: The Hairy Bird likes dank and infrequently scrubbed bird baths, especially those behind a rusty door in SoMa. This bird migrates in large numbers to SF from July until late September, or until the roosts selling leather harnesses and bull nose rings close.

Diet: Not a stranger to food, the Hairy Bird is rarely a picky eater. This bird can often be found sipping lattes at the Starbucks on 18th and Castro or noshing a bacon-wrapped hot dog outside of 440.

How to Identify: The easiest way to spot a Hairy Bird is by its grooming... or odor... or facial hair... or because you couldn’t really get past a group of them in a narrow hallway. Sporting at least a month’s worth of facial hair and a musky aroma, this bird can often be identified by its call: “Grr,” “Woof,” or, “Daddy likes.”

Advantages in the Wild: Due to its higher-than-average age and a tendency to emerge only for brief periods on Folsom Street, the Hairy Bird usually has a large nest egg stored away safely. These careful predators seek out slightly smaller and younger Hairy Birds for a variety of reasons, least of which is to take care of their dogs while they are on vacation.

Natural Dangers/Predators: Always at odds for territory, the Twink Bird and Hairy Bird fight bitterly to claim watering holes as their own. Although rarely practiced, a simple application of Speed Stick to the underarms of this bird can send it into a feathered frenzy.

Drag Bird
Latin Name: Yaneeda Newwig

Favorite Habitat: Dark nightclubs and seedy bars are a frequent roost for the Drag Bird. This Bird will find refuge in any area that has a steady supply of booze, lights, mics, and attention.

Diet: Scientists and birdwatchers alike still speculate on what, if anything, the Drag Bird eats. One theory attests that this bird does manage to eat a great deal, but only between sets, and nothing that will smudge its lipstick.

How to Identify: Its fantastic plumage and sequined gowns should be a dead giveaway to someone seeking the Drag Bird. This bird can also stand over 7 feet in its 8 inch heels, making it an imposing and easily spotted specimen.

Advantages in the Wild: The Drag Bird’s ability to read other birds is its most deadly and bitchy weapon. When approached by a potential threat, most likely a Twink or Gym Bird, the Drag Bird will lash out at its target’s most vulnerable and self-conscious area, reducing the opposing bird to a ruffled mess.

Natural Dangers/Predators: Although equipped with a thick skin, the Drag Bird is highly susceptible to changes in its environment. A hot mic, change in the set list, or shortage of concealer at the MAC counter can send this bird into hysteria.

 

Gym Bird
Latin Name: Hasalotta Muscula

Favorite Habitat: Notoriously athletic, the Gym Bird most often flocks to Gold’s, 24 Hour Fitness, or any juice roost that will add a muscle boost to their shakes.

Diet: The Gym Bird can only survive on an extremely high protein diet consisting of whey protein, egg whites and amino acids discovered and marketed by GNC. This early bird is unlikely to catch a worm, as it consumes far too many carbohydrates.

How to Identify: Known for puffing out its chest, the Gym Bird can be spotted gliding down the block in a wife beater or sleeveless shirt. This choice of posture is not only to attract a mate, but also necessary, as average shirts simply cannot contain such a buff bird physique.

Advantages in the Wild: A Gym Bird can easily attract the attention of an entire gaggle of birds by flexing its muscular wings, legs, and breast muscles, which makes them the perfect ornament for a parade float.

Natural Dangers/Predators: As a habitual denizen of the gym, the Gym bird is often compelled to chirp advice to other birds on how to properly operate the exercise equipment. If this bird’s squawking persists, it is likely to get henpecked.